In my opinion, GRATITUDE is an action and GRATEFUL is a feeling. As a sober woman, my perceptions have been altered. Overall, my new insights have changed me as a human being and a woman. I cannot tell you when the change occurred, but I can tell you that every moment in my life has generously contributed to the transformation. And it continues today.
GRATITUDE has grown to be a lifeline, especially through adversity and the uncomfortability of life, but the joys of my existence are also important. My behaviors are centered in the mantra of “pay it forward”, at least 75% of the time- let’s be honest, a human being is imperfect. I attempt to make a difference in the lives of others, regardless if it’s a stranger. How? A smile, holding a door open, giving up my seat (i.e. a senior citizen etc.), letting someone in line go ahead of me because they have fewer items, or a kind word. These are only a few examples of GRATITUDE. I make a conscious choice to lift others up, with the hope that they may “pay it forward”, and because a part of my spirit becomes closer to my Higher Power.
Speaking of Higher Power: Higher can mean greater, better or superior, and Power can mean energy, strength or influence. So, let’s say it is a greater strength than ourselves. The times I feel weak, alone and fearful, I turn to this greater strength to raise my consciousness of reality and to give me courage. What is my part in it? What action do I need to take? What behavior do I need to change? The situations when I feel passionate and elated, it is harder to remind myself that this greater strength celebrates and revels with me because I am worthy, beautiful, loved, and cherished.
What does “pay it forward” mean? Giving it away to keep it. When I first got sober, this phrase or concept, was very obscure to me. ‘If I give it away, then I don’t have it anymore’ is literally what I thought. The more I listened, observed, shared and read, plus actively working the 12 Steps of AA, the revelation came to me. When I am of service to another human being it builds upon my sobriety and spirituality… it is the 12th Step of AA, which says, “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.” The more I do, the more I get. I take action to stay sober for 24 hours, to become closer to my greater strength and carry the message by ‘attraction rather than promotion’. I embrace the ability to step out of self and embrace the spiritual principles of AA. I create my own reality of chaos and turmoil, which continues to restrain me, at times, from doing the next right thing. It is grace ‘unmerited divine intervention’ from my greater strength that helps me to relieve the bondage of self and journey onward, regardless of the struggle every day. GRATITUDE is an action.
Today, I am GRATEFUL. This emotion is not tangible, yet it is coupled with GRATITUDE. We drank and used to not feel, to escape, to fit in, to be courageous, and uninhibited. Feeling GRATEFUL is amazingly peaceful in mind, body, and soul. There is a moment when I am overcome with a sense of serenity; sometimes it is but an instant and sometimes it embraces me for an extended period of time, but nonetheless, I am able to feel without fear as a sober woman.
Early in sobriety, one of my assignments was to journal what I was GRATEFUL for. In other words, the people, places, things and situations that provokes a feeling that cannot be described other than GRATEFUL. I wrote every night before I prayed, then I went to sleep. The list was long and short, depending upon the day, my fears and self-centeredness. For example, I would list: my Higher Power (greater strength), sobriety, fellowship, family, friends, a roof over my head, food on the table, clothes on my back, employment, hugs, relationships, a second chance, my health, the sunrise, the sunset, flowers, the sand between my toes, and the list goes on and on. Each day I seek reasons to feel GRATEFUL. There are days when the struggle of life on life’s terms is deeply painful, and I am unable to find the feeling within me to even move forward. It is on those days that I lean on my sponsor and the fellowship. My sponsor helps calm my soul, relieve the chaos of my mind, and gives me the opportunity to make my own choices through her suggestions and working me through the 12 Steps of AA. The women in my network are there for me, with open arms, to walk the journey with me. If there are women who have gone through the hardships I am experiencing, it is their experience, strength and hope that guide me.
There is one action that couples GRATITUDE and feeling GRATEFUL….. asking for help. You can go to a meeting (or many meetings), share where you are, pick up the phone and call someone, step out of yourself to help another person–remember, you may be the only Big Book a newcomer encounters . It is my experience that no matter how awful I feel before a meeting, I feel amazingly GRATEFUL after the meeting. When I take action I am helping myself, helping another person and I “pay it forward”. Isn’t a blessing that everything is a domino effect based on our choices and actions? Feel GRATEFUL today by showing your GRATITUDE. Remember that you are worthy, beautiful, loved, and cherished. Take care of you and know that there is a greater strength than yourself. You are never alone.
The Road 